Trusting my intuition saved my life

When everyone around you is telling you something that every fibre in your body is rejecting, what do you do?

This was taken in September 2020.

I tried ignoring my symptoms because no amount of holistic or pharma meds were working. Ignoring my shortness of breath and the fiery storm sweeping through my lungs.

Continuing to work.
Continuing to do ‘a little bit of activity each day’.
Breathwork classes.
Using the power of my mind to tell my body that I was healing.
Wearing my yoga gear to ‘trick’ myself into thinking that I was my normal active self.

‘Pushing through’ day by day.
I kept it up for months.

Oh boy, was it the wrong strategy = toxic positivity, denial and resistance between my lungs, mind & soul.

The fiery storm in my lungs became worse.

I was dealing with close people in my life (+ seven doctors) who told me I was suffering from psychomatic trauma.

“Jaz, a top respiratory specialist has told you your lungs are fine, you HAVE to listen to it”.

“I know what I’m feeling, you don’t and I’m going to get to the bottom of it”, I’d tell them defiantly. Though, laying in my bed at night I’d question whether there was truth in what they were saying..

Nine months of frantic googling & trying to understand medical journals that split my head into a thousand pieces.

On the 15th December, I cracked. I’ve never experienced anything like that in my life. My lungs didn’t let me walk or talk. A feeling of being in a black hole, and I couldn’t see anything — I couldn’t get out.

I text my boss to tell her that I couldn’t work anymore — that I was experiencing some kind of mental breakdown. She was unbelievably supportive — I was beyond grateful.

I’ll never forget how lonely I felt at that time. I had no case studies to take to my doctors — I was the case study and they weren’t believing me.

I prayed, tears streaming, begging God to help me. To help me escape this cage of despair.

You tell yourself, WE are going to figure this out — ‘we’ being you and your body. Accept where you currently are — which is THE hardest thing that you can do, whilst telling yourself that you WILL find the right help.

If you’re a long hauler and you’re reading this, keep trusting in YOU, despite the gaslighting voices of others — no matter if they’re your doctor, partner or friend.

Never stop trusting in you.

I stand with you.